Rat Race

May. 29th, 2015 01:43 am
myvoice: (Default)
And it’s almost pathetic how you think you know me. You spent too much time with your nose buried in another world to even see me. You think you’ve got it all figured out. You silly soul. You’re so far behind, you think you’re in first place while everyone else is about to lap around you. Yet, I held back. I slowed my steps to match you. I made you feel like winner. I was ten laps ahead of you but lead you to believe we were on the same level. A few minutes later, you decided my presence unpleasant and pushed me to the side as you ran ahead. Now you think you’re the winner but, my dear, the race was over 5 laps ago.
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I never really got to say goodbye
And I never really did understand
And I just sat there on the floor
Staring at my bed
What’s funny
What’s really funny
Is I really believed in you
I looked into your eyes
At 3 in the morning
When all pretenses had faded
And it was all you
And, God, I loved you
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I wonder if my words ever echo through your mind,
If a certain song comes on and you think of me…
Because I once told you
That’s the song I listen to
When I’m feeling broken
And alone
And real?
I wonder if you lay down to sleep
just as you close your eyes,
You remember I once laid there beside you
And you think about how perfect we were there,
In your bed,
Two pieces to a puzzle?
Do you ever shiver with cold
And remember how I would
Push myself as close as possible
To your body
As we slept
And my arms were so warm?
Do you ever walk into a kitchen
And remember the mess we made
And the fun we had
And the laughs we shared?
Do you ever hide away
In your room
As your inhibitions overwhelm you
And remember that,
Once upon a time,
You could call me
And open up your heart to me
And I would love you all the same?
When you go out
From bar to bar
And begin to wonder
About those strangers’ stares
And what they must be thinking of you,
Do you remember
How I accepted you,
Embraced you,
Supported you,
Lifted your spirits
To the stars?
And yet,
It wasn’t enough.
You poor fool.
No one
Will ever
Be enough
For you.
myvoice: (Default)
I shut off the lights
and now I can't find the switch.
And you'll never see the difference
'tween a victim and a bitch.

I cut myself open
And you just walked away.
You let it all bleed out
after you promised you would stay.

I used to be so loving
My heart bled for everyone
But now I just feel nothing
After my mind came all undone

I'm such a great actress
You'd never really guess
That underneath this pleasant smile
Is a great unholy mess

I have this deep desire
to be happy and to love
but these are things, since long ago
I can only just dream of

But I beg you don't give up on me
Be the first to stay
Show me what it is to love
And I'll meet you there half way

You give me this sort of feeling
That might almost be real
For just a moment, I feel a spark
I think it's love I feel

It's just so unfamiliar
That I just can't quite discern
What is this feeling in my chest
This gentle, warming burn

Give me just a little time
Put your faith in me
And I'll show you just how genuine
My heart can really be
myvoice: (Default)
She always was a wild kind of thing.
She was a child of wonder, of existence, of scrapes and bruises.
Ambitious from the start, she felt the world was hers for the taking.
But, oh, how that world took her.
It beat her, cut her, tore her pages away piece by piece.
She came unbound.
She lost her stories and was left with blank pages.
Who am I?
I don't know.
Who am I?
Stop asking!
Who am I?
I am...unwritten.
Who am I?
I am...anything.
Who am I?
I am strength.
I have to be.
Pandora ripped out her own heart and sealed it up inside a box.
You don't belong anymore. You're no good to me now.
And, with a kiss, she hid it in cold darkness.
No one will ever find you here and I'll be safe.
Oh, but little girl, no one is safe from the world.
A grave robber stole that little girl's heart and held it ransom.
It was his favorite plaything and he kept it for many years until its very beating drove him to madness.
Take it! He cried. I can't hold it any longer! Take it!
He threw it out but she couldn't catch it in time. The box fell and shattered, leaving her heart in the open. Vulnerable.
She scrambled to pick it up but was too slow.
A man bent down and held it there in his hands curiously.
He looked at her but she hid her face in shame.
Guilt overwhelmed him and he tried to return it to her.
But it wasn't hers anymore. It was his. She couldn't grasp it.
Something about her caught him. So he held it there in his hands.
Slowly, she uncovered her face.
As her eyes looked into his, something caught her attention.
Something was sticking out from his a pocket. A letter? A page? A page!
She reached out to grab it and he put up no fight. He had nothing to hide.
It was a page from his own book but...it looked so familiar.
The longer she looked, the more she remembered. She remembered a page of her own. The story so much the same.
She pulled out her broken binding to try to sneak the page into it but he caught her.
When he saw that broken bind, though, he felt a familiar kind of pain.
He took it gently and placed his page inside.
It's yours now. They're all yours now.
He reached into a bag hanging from his shoulder and pulled out his own battered binding. His pages were there but they were torn and stained. But she thought them to be quite beautiful. She gently pulled it from his hand and read it page by page.
Who am I? he heard her whisper.
You're mine. he whispered back.

My Spark

Sep. 27th, 2014 12:10 am
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Sometimes, I feel like my own being is far too much for me to handle. My mind seems so deep and profound that I can hardly grasp it. I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions and suffocating on all these thoughts. I feel like I exist more than I should – more than everyone else does. Sometimes, everything just freezes and my mind goes “Woah. I’m alive. Holy shit.” I look around and see everyone going through the motions and, in that moment, I suddenly feel so alone. I’m surrounded by people but I feel so alone. I look into their eyes and it’s like there’s nothing there.
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I seek not perfection. I see beauty in the broken pieces. Show me your scars and I'll show you mine. That's where the real beauty lies - behind every lie you've ever spoken, within every tear in your heart, inside every lost dream. That's what makes us human. We are so aware of everything - every broken heartbeat, every quiet tear that rolls down our cheeks, every lonely night and cold morning. Our mere existence is so profound, our minds can hardly begin to grasp it. But try. Try for me. Tell me what you think at night as you lie alone in bed. Whisper your dreams to me: the ones you've lost and the ones you still desperately cling to. Tell me who you've loved, who broke your heart, who gives you hope, who lifts your soul. Show me the bruises, speak to me of every fall you've taken and stair you missed. Show me just how real you because right now you seem so like a dream.
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( You're about to view content that the journal owner has marked as possibly inappropriate for anyone under the age of 18. )
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We are like two flowers
Growing from a crack
In the concrete
Rising above the adversity
Of crushing feet
That tear apart our petals
Like fists
Upon our faces
Above the pollution of the city
That poisons our stems
Like cruel words
That poison our dreams
Where so many others
Gave in to the pain
We kept growing
We will never give up
We will never give in
We are too beautiful
To be destroyed
Too pure
To be stained
We are gentle fighters

Poor Rose

Feb. 21st, 2014 08:32 am
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You are like a rose with a hundred thorns and ever-wilting petals. You could be so beautiful if only you would allow someone to tend to you - to love you. But the moment a gentle hands comes to caress you, you cut them. Poor rose, you will never know love.
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I think we miss our childhood the most, not because of the lack of work or bills or taxes, but because of the lack of heartache. Our vision of love was still pure and innocent, our hearts unbroken. We could still look at strangers with kind, forgiving eyes without our vision being tainted by bad experiences. We could still believe in true, unconditional love. But, with time, that vision begins to fade. Sometimes it is brought back to life, if only for a moment. But sometimes we are left feeling more alone than ever, desperately seeking our other half; wondering if you've met them, lost them, have them or not. I think I know what love is but how can I ever be sure when we are constantly surrounded by failure, broken promises and misguided trust. I wonder if, perhaps, I will ever truly understand - ever truly succeed.
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Emotions are the most powerful force in the universe; sometimes so strong, in fact, that words could never begin to grasp the very concept of them. We feel so much in our hearts that our minds scramble to decode. Sometimes we understand it - sometimes we understand ourselves - but, I think, most times we don't. Our emotions come and go like the tide and we are forced to go with flow. I've learned, with time, that fighting the water only gets you nowhere fast. It wears you down and, if you're not careful, you risk drowning. Breathe in deep, surrender yourself to it - to that which you fear most - and just let the current take you.
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Some girls have no class these days. Literally half-naked profile pictures? (Half as in nothing but your lingerie!) You think that's cool? You think that's sexy? What a shame. Oh, you'll get attention, alright - but not the kind you're looking for. You're better than that - I really do hope you know that. You don't have to post half-nude pictures, stripper poses, or statuses about sex to make people like you or 'find a man.' All of you are amazing people inside and THAT is what you should be showing the world. Stop stripping away your clothes and start tearing down the walls you've built in your mind. Be the best YOU that you can be and someday a man will see you for who you really are and will be knocked off their feet. If you pretend to be someone you're not, you'll never find love. You know why? Because every relationship you're in, that person will only love the fake you, the you you're pretending to be - not the real you, the beautiful you, the modest you, the sweet you, the quiet you, the crazy you, the true you. Your body, your skin - none of that matters in love. Until you understand that, you'll just keep hurting and you'll just keep making a bigger fool of yourself. Respect yourself and you'll find a man who respects you, too.

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 Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong here. I see so much that others are so blind to. Not in the schizophrenic hallucinations and delusions sense, just patterns in society and, well, everything. I see patterns everywhere that so few others see and when I point them out, I am only given blank and confused stares in return. They don't understand - they can't. It's not within their capabilities. Even if they wanted to understand me - tried to understand me - they couldn't. Seeing so much - seeing so many faults and answers that sit within plan view to me yet out of sight to everyone else - hurts. It's driving me insane. It reminds me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I see the light but no matter how hard I try to explain it to those in the dark, they just can't comprehend it and they will never be able to see it. The only difference is I am now surrounded by these trapped people and, instead of being tied down, they're standing. They can move and escape, they just don't know it. They could leave this darkness behind but their minds just can't comprehend that. So they stand there around me - trapping me inside with them - as I gaze at the brilliant light and they stare mindlessly into the darkness. I feel so close to every being in this world yet they seem so distant from me. I feel their emotion and I feel their pain - I am aware of everyone and they seem aware of no one; no one but themselves.

I wish I could fly away - go to another world where everyone sees what I see and I am no longer surrounded by sheep.
No, I'm not saying I want to die - there's far too much I want to do with this miracle gift of life for that.
I just wish things were different.
But they're not.
I am Alice and I'm trapped in a messed up, modernized Wonderland.


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Jordyn Mart

August 2017

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