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I've always had such a strange perspective on life. I see so much that everyone else seems to miss. I'm the girl who will trip and appear clumsy just to avoid stepping on a bug because I believe all life is valuable. I spend hours just laying in bed, thinking. I constantly look at the people around and wonder what they're thinking about, what's happened in their life that might have changed them, what memories they reflect on when they're alone. I see so much depth in this world but, at the same time, so much emptiness. So many people seem to go through life they're just going through the motions. They're there but...not really. It's like I've seen beyond the matrix and everyone else just keeps walking around blindly. Often times, people aren't much better company than a robot. They can look like a person and talk like a person and act like a person but that spark just isn't there. Something's just missing. This makes me feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I've only met a handful of people that have that spark and they mean the world to me. They remind me I'm not really alone. But they are so few and far between. Some aren't even in my life anymore. How can words describe what it's like to lose someone when you feel this way? It's like being stranded on a island for so long and suddenly there's some else there with you. You spend days, months, years basking in their company. Then, one day, they're just gone again and that loneliness is just so much deeper than it was before because now you'd finally started to believe. It's like you're a part to puzzle and you meet another piece. Then, somehow, they're lost along the way and for the rest of your life, you're missing something. So don't tell me I take it too hard when someone leaves my life. You don't realize how much I value those people - how much they mean to me. Maybe they don't realize either, I guess. And I guess I don't really know how to show them. I either do it too much or not enough. Mistakes are just a part of being human. I remember that when others mess up but everyone seems to forget that when I do. Even when they judge me, or disappoint me, or hurt me - I still eventually forgive them. Maybe that's one of my biggest flaws. I forgive too much. I forgive too much and I love too much. I won't change either, though. It's who I am and I love those things about myself. It's why I chose Buddhism. The belief of loving and forgiving and accepting the oneness of everything - it just makes so much sense to me. It's not what my family raised me to be - not what they wanted. But, looking back on my life, it's what I was all along. I just never had a name for it. I remember being teased for catching bugs that the teachers would try to kill in classrooms so I could save their lives and set them free outside. I've always been the odd duck.
As for destiny, I'm afraid to decide if I believe or not. Believing in something so powerful could hurt so much. To believe you are meant for something or someone and then being proven wrong - it's just devastating. Just another thing to think about, I guess. So very much to think about. Better get to it, I guess.
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I dreamt of you last night. I went to see you after all this time only to find you'd lost your mind. Honestly, though, you were absolutely bonkers. You tried to kidnap me - to keep me forever. I escaped but barely. Funny how one night's dream can summarize so many years. You were crazy about me and I tried to be there for you but you couldn't handle it. You didn't know what you were doing. You made so many bad decisions. You hurt me so many times. (And I know I hurt you, too.) I'm sorry to know you're hurting because I would never wish that on you but you made your decision and I made mine and, to be brutally honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite everything, you will always be important to me but I think what happened was destiny. Some things just aren't meant to be. Some things are just stepping stones to what's true. I know you're still clinging to hope - hope that we can go back. No. I'm sure you want me to apologize or feel some sort of guilt for where I am now but that's not going to happen. I'm happy - very, truly happy. I hope, someday, you'll be happy, too. Stop sabotaging yourself and just give yourself a chance for once. Stop writing yourself off and step up. You've lost so many opportunities already; it's time to stop running. No, don't argue with me. All you ever do is run and hide. Stop. Grow up. You know what you need to do so do it. The opportunity is still there so don't miss it again before it's gone. Your future is waiting for you at a beautiful place - somewhere you already love, already have friends, already have connections. Swallow your emotions and pride and do what needs to be done for your future. You're always running late. Don't be late for this. Don't miss this last chance. Stop. Running.
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I'm the crazy smart girl. The girl who doesn't like to spread gossip, the girl who's more interested in the latest scientific research or book releases than celebrity dirt. I'm the girl who unconsciously points out the scientific faults in magazine articles, gossip, commercials, etc. I'm the girl who enjoys every minute I'm in class and actually occasionally enjoys reading textbooks. I explain things in grand detail so much that people feel like I'm belittling them when really my brain is just rattling off all this info that's stuck inside and sometimes it's like a waterfall I just can't stop.
Growing up, our parents and teachers tell us that intelligence is a great thing and something we should be proud of. In the world today, you have to be intelligent to thrive. But, at the same time, the smarter you are - the more you stand out and the more people dislike you, the more they push you down, the more they bully you, the more they avoid you, the more they tease you, the less they socialize with you, the less they want to be friends with you or close to you in any way. It's so bad that's it's almost as if intelligence is something you should hide. You shouldn't talk about how intelligent you are - it sounds too boastful, too cocky, too arrogant. It's perfectly fine to talk about how much you love working out and how much better you get at it over time or even how good you've always been but don't you dare speak of how much you enjoyed that last chapter of the test or how well you do on tests. Why is this? Why is it that society pushes so hard for people to get educated yet beats down every intelligent person that's a part of it? To hell with that! I take pride in my intelligence, I take pride in my grades, I take pride in my work! Heck, if people could understand my research papers, I'd love to show them to my friends and family like a kindergartner showing a hand painting! I work my butt off every single day, struggling to make myself better and I'm not going to hide it to comfort the egos of those who have bullied me my entire life because they were too disinterested to make the effort to keep up. I train and exercise my brain the same way an athlete does their body so why is it more socially acceptable to show up your muscles than it is to show off your wits? I'm saddened to think how many intelligent people are out there who hide behind a wall of faux stupidity only to fit in or, at the very least, avoid standing out. I met one, in fact, in high school: he was one of the most intelligent people I'd ever met yet every day acted like a total idiot. He'd fail almost every test, ask the dumbest questions in class and did more drugs than you'd fine in stock at any Walgreens. It's disgusting to see so much potential go to waste. I won't be one of those people, though, and if you have a problem with that then you certainly don't belong on my friends list. So, kudos to those of you who read the entirety of my massive rant and if you just so happen to be one of those intelligent people (as I'm sure most of you are), then you should try taking a walk on the really wild side sometime and hit me up for a real conversation about books, politics, science, philosophy - anything that requires us to actually THINK. I don't know about you but I've been starving for a good conversation.


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Jordyn Mart

August 2017

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