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We're beautiful abominations. We're not quite right, we're far from perfect. But aren't we a gorgeous tragedy? Amazing how such a terrible world can somehow sculpt such beautiful souls. Surrounded by ugly hate, love somehow still blossoms. We may be made up of broken pieces and scarred bruises but, oh, we're all one of a kind. Our demons and angels, they're one and the same; Yea, they're who we are inside. We're a little bit of both so let's dance with our demons while our angels play the horns. Let's relish in every moment of insanity, embrace every eccentric piece of ourselves, and laugh ourselves to sleep. Yes, thank God, we'll never be normal. We are wild things.
(September 7th, 2014)
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I've always had such a strange perspective on life. I see so much that everyone else seems to miss. I'm the girl who will trip and appear clumsy just to avoid stepping on a bug because I believe all life is valuable. I spend hours just laying in bed, thinking. I constantly look at the people around and wonder what they're thinking about, what's happened in their life that might have changed them, what memories they reflect on when they're alone. I see so much depth in this world but, at the same time, so much emptiness. So many people seem to go through life they're just going through the motions. They're there but...not really. It's like I've seen beyond the matrix and everyone else just keeps walking around blindly. Often times, people aren't much better company than a robot. They can look like a person and talk like a person and act like a person but that spark just isn't there. Something's just missing. This makes me feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I've only met a handful of people that have that spark and they mean the world to me. They remind me I'm not really alone. But they are so few and far between. Some aren't even in my life anymore. How can words describe what it's like to lose someone when you feel this way? It's like being stranded on a island for so long and suddenly there's some else there with you. You spend days, months, years basking in their company. Then, one day, they're just gone again and that loneliness is just so much deeper than it was before because now you'd finally started to believe. It's like you're a part to puzzle and you meet another piece. Then, somehow, they're lost along the way and for the rest of your life, you're missing something. So don't tell me I take it to hard when someone leaves my life. You don't realize how much I value those people - how much they mean to me. Maybe they don't realize either, I guess. And I guess I don't really know how to show them. I either do it too much or not enough. Mistakes are just a part of being human. I remember that when others mess up but everyone seems to forget that when I do. Even when they judge me, or disappoint me, or hurt me - I still eventually forgive them. Maybe that's one of my biggest flaws. I forgive too much. I forgive too much and I love too much. I won't change either, though. It's who I am and I love those things about myself. It's why I chose Buddhism. The belief of loving and forgiving and accepting the oneness of everything - it just makes so much sense to me. It's not what my family raised me to be - not what they wanted. But, looking back on my life, it's what I was all along. I just never had a name for it. I remember being teased for catching bugs that the teachers would try to kill in classrooms so I could save their lives and set them free outside. I've always been the odd duck.
As for destiny, I'm afraid to decide if I believe or not. Believing in something so powerful could hurt so much. To believe you are meant for something or someone and then being proven wrong - it's just devastating. Just another thing to think about, I guess. So very much to think about. Better get to it, I guess.

My Spark

Sep. 27th, 2014 12:10 am
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Sometimes, I feel like my own being is far too much for me to handle. My mind seems so deep and profound that I can hardly grasp it. I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions and suffocating on all these thoughts. I feel like I exist more than I should – more than everyone else does. Sometimes, everything just freezes and my mind goes “Woah. I’m alive. Holy shit.” I look around and see everyone going through the motions and, in that moment, I suddenly feel so alone. I’m surrounded by people but I feel so alone. I look into their eyes and it’s like there’s nothing there.
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I seek not perfection. I see beauty in the broken pieces. Show me your scars and I'll show you mine. That's where the real beauty lies - behind every lie you've ever spoken, within every tear in your heart, inside every lost dream. That's what makes us human. We are so aware of everything - every broken heartbeat, every quiet tear that rolls down our cheeks, every lonely night and cold morning. Our mere existence is so profound, our minds can hardly begin to grasp it. But try. Try for me. Tell me what you think at night as you lie alone in bed. Whisper your dreams to me: the ones you've lost and the ones you still desperately cling to. Tell me who you've loved, who broke your heart, who gives you hope, who lifts your soul. Show me the bruises, speak to me of every fall you've taken and stair you missed. Show me just how real you because right now you seem so like a dream.

Tell Me

Feb. 5th, 2014 06:24 pm
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People say I’m a quiet person
But they simply don’t speak of the things I do
Tell me about your secrets
Your deepest desires
Your wildest dreams
Tell me all you've left unspoken
Tell me what you think
As you wake up in the morning
And lay down to sleep each night
Tell me where your mind wanders
When you’re weary or you’re bored
Tell me about the meaning of life
Or your perception of this world
This galaxy
This universe
Tell me of all these great white elephants
Tell me everything
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When I meet someone new, I find it hard to restrain myself to common topics such as "What's your favorite music? What television shows do you watch? What are some of your favorite songs?" What I desperately crave to ask is "What have you suffered in life? What battle is raging on inside your heart? How did you become the person you are today?" I want to look into their eyes and crawl through to the core of their being and truly know them. To me, each human life is a precious story just waiting to be told; every person is an unwritten book.

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Jordyn Mart

February 2017

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