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I've always had such a strange perspective on life. I see so much that everyone else seems to miss. I'm the girl who will trip and appear clumsy just to avoid stepping on a bug because I believe all life is valuable. I spend hours just laying in bed, thinking. I constantly look at the people around and wonder what they're thinking about, what's happened in their life that might have changed them, what memories they reflect on when they're alone. I see so much depth in this world but, at the same time, so much emptiness. So many people seem to go through life they're just going through the motions. They're there but...not really. It's like I've seen beyond the matrix and everyone else just keeps walking around blindly. Often times, people aren't much better company than a robot. They can look like a person and talk like a person and act like a person but that spark just isn't there. Something's just missing. This makes me feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I've only met a handful of people that have that spark and they mean the world to me. They remind me I'm not really alone. But they are so few and far between. Some aren't even in my life anymore. How can words describe what it's like to lose someone when you feel this way? It's like being stranded on a island for so long and suddenly there's some else there with you. You spend days, months, years basking in their company. Then, one day, they're just gone again and that loneliness is just so much deeper than it was before because now you'd finally started to believe. It's like you're a part to puzzle and you meet another piece. Then, somehow, they're lost along the way and for the rest of your life, you're missing something. So don't tell me I take it to hard when someone leaves my life. You don't realize how much I value those people - how much they mean to me. Maybe they don't realize either, I guess. And I guess I don't really know how to show them. I either do it too much or not enough. Mistakes are just a part of being human. I remember that when others mess up but everyone seems to forget that when I do. Even when they judge me, or disappoint me, or hurt me - I still eventually forgive them. Maybe that's one of my biggest flaws. I forgive too much. I forgive too much and I love too much. I won't change either, though. It's who I am and I love those things about myself. It's why I chose Buddhism. The belief of loving and forgiving and accepting the oneness of everything - it just makes so much sense to me. It's not what my family raised me to be - not what they wanted. But, looking back on my life, it's what I was all along. I just never had a name for it. I remember being teased for catching bugs that the teachers would try to kill in classrooms so I could save their lives and set them free outside. I've always been the odd duck.
As for destiny, I'm afraid to decide if I believe or not. Believing in something so powerful could hurt so much. To believe you are meant for something or someone and then being proven wrong - it's just devastating. Just another thing to think about, I guess. So very much to think about. Better get to it, I guess.

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Jordyn Mart

February 2017

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